By: Hugh wilson
Charming men get the results they want. Here's how to come across as a charming man.
You've probably done that thing where you see the woman of your dreams, catch sight of the man she's lavishing all her attention on and think, "Really? Him? With her? How has he pulled that one off?"
And if you went up to that man and started a conversation, you'd probably find out he was one hell of a popular guy, with a string of attractive exes to his name, a great job and a coterie of admiring friends.
So what's his secret? It's almost certainly charm. Charm is pretty much the most under-appreciated weapon in any man's social and professional armoury, the key to unlocking both bedroom and boardroom doors.
Not everyone oozes natural charm, of course, but being charming is an easy trick to learn. Here's what you need to know.
What is charm?
Charming men please, delight and attract, and get the rewards. If you are genuinely charming, you have the power to influence and persuade. In other words, charm makes people like you and listen to you. It also opens doors for you, both in the personal and professional spheres.
How useful is charm? Put it this way, in a study by psychologists at the University of Waterloo in Canada, 85% of respondents said that charm was the principle reason for their attraction to another person.
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So it's not the symmetry of your face that's most important, or indeed the size of your abs, it's your ability to charm.
When should you be charming?
Fact is, charming isn't something that you do, it's something that you are. As soon as you walk into a room where other people are present, your innate charm should be ready to knock their socks (or other undergarments) off.
Research shows that within 10 minutes of meeting someone, he or she forms an opinion about you. If you're instantly and easily charming, that impression will be a good one and it will last.
But charming isn't flirting, flattering, chatting up or being persuasive. The difference with charm is that there isn't a hidden agenda. You're charming because - hey - that's what you are. The good stuff that happens because of it is simply a by-product of your innate charm.
That's why genuine charm works so well. It puts people at ease. They don't think you're just out to get something from them, so you're more likely to get it.
Listen and learn
The two key ingredients of physical charm are eye contact and smiling. According to social anthropologist Jean Smith, attraction isn't about "symmetry of the face or body shape, but more about how open someone is, how caring they are, how witty they are and their personality."
"Eye contact is the number one way people show interest and understand interest."
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You can't feign good eye contact, or at least not for long. Be genuinely interested in what the other person is saying - become involved in the conversation - and eye contact will come naturally. Don't look around the room or stare at the telly. Eye contact shows them they're interesting to you and that makes them like you.
If anything, your warm, genuine smile is even more of a draw. Psychologist Dr Martin Seligman, author of Authentic Happiness, believes there are two main kinds of smiles, which he labels the Duchenne and the Pan-American.
"The Duchenne smile (after its discoverer Guillaume Duchenne) is genuine. The corners of the mouth turn up and the skin around the corners of your eyes crinkles (the crow's feet)," writes Seligman.
The Pan-American is named after the now defunct airline of the same name, and denotes the perfunctory, inauthentic smile an airhostess might give a passenger.
Studies have shown that a Duchenne smile can charm people right up the aisle. Seriously. Researchers at the University of California studied yearbook photos from students in 1960 and followed them up 30 years later.
The students with a Duchenne smile were more likely to have married and to have remained married. They also expressed more life satisfaction. Their smiles contributed to their charm, which in turn contributed to happier lives.
Charm school
To charm someone you need to show you're interested in them, by genuinely listening to them and giving them real, face-cracking smiles.
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But don't just listen, empathise. If someone is telling you about the tricky situation they found themselves in, let them know that you understand how difficult, scary, uncomfortable or inconvenient that situation must have been.
People also like people who like them, so a few well-chosen compliments also add to your charm. If you're not sure what to compliment, think of the sort of compliments you'd love to hear. You can be pretty certain your listener will be grateful for them too. Don't overdo it, and make sure you mean what you say. But do compliment when you can.
Finally, be generous - with your time, money, attention and spirit. In other words, be selfless, without being a suck-up. Take time to make others feel valued, interesting or important to you. Make sure you thank people who do you a favour and return it if you can. When you give something, do it without expecting (and certainly without demanding) something in return.
Simple things
If that all sounds simple, that's because it is. Good manners, listening skills, quiet confidence, generosity, an interest in others and genuine warmth - that's pretty much what charm amounts to.
But like we say, you don't do charm, you're charming. So start employing these traits all the time, in any situation. When they become second nature, your charm will shine through, and the rewards can be remarkable.
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