By: Dr. Pam Spurr
Many women wonder why after six months, a year, or even six years, their relationship doesn't seem to be going anywhere. On the face of it all's well and they appear to be a loved-up couple. But dig a little deeper and they feel something's missing - but they can't quite put their finger on it.
If you're in this situation you might be with a classic commitment-phobe. Here are 10 signs to look out for:
Classic sign no 1 - He loves women
He gets on with your friends and charms your mother - and everyone adores him. The fact that he's so good with women can lull you into a false sense of security. He might love the company of women but it doesn't mean he wants to share his life with one.
Classic sign no 2 - His friends, his family
He's met your friends and family but you don't get much time with his. You hear about them but it's almost like he keeps you cut off from that part of his personal life.
Classic sign no 3 - Permanent damage
Early on he might've had a significant and painful relationship. It might have even been a marriage that ended in divorce in his 20s. Such early, deeply unhappy experiences can scar certain types of men for life.
Classic sign no 4 - Nothing changes
Despite being together for many months - or even years - nothing ever really changes in your relationship. It spins along quite nicely but never deepens.
Classic sign no 5 - His 'mate dates'
You've accepted that he has certain evenings with his male friends that are sacrosanct. These are never interrupted - not even if you need him to accompany you to something important. His poker or sports night is untouchable.
Classic sign no 6 - His best friend might be female
As well as getting on with your female friends his best friend might be a woman. At first she made you paranoid but later then you realised it was purely platonic. And it continued to lull you into false confidence about your relationship because inwardly you think, "he really does 'get' women so there won't be any problems with him committing."
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Classic sign no 7 - He keeps his 'cards' close to his chest
Frequently you feel you just don't know what's on his mind or what he's thinking. Emotionally he truly is a closed book no matter how much time you spend together.
Classic sign no 8 - Vanity and insecurity
Underneath it all he's actually quite vain and insecure. Over time you notice he's very concerned with his outward appearance and the facade he puts up. This highlights deeper insecurities in him.
Classic sign no 9 - The future is off limits
He never plans anything with you like holidays in the long term. He might have plans to go on, eg, safari with his mates next Christmas but nothing ever comes up with you about future plans.
Classic sign no 10 - Conversation stoppers
You mention a friend's getting engaged, married or having a child and he cuts the conversation off pretty darn quickly. Of course if one of his friends is going through such a life-changing event that topic's okay. But don't hold your breath waiting for an invitation to his friend's wedding!
Is there any hope?
If he's a true commitment-phobe you've little hope of changing that. The only chance you've got is facing him down. You must be prepared to the possibility of losing him as he might run a mile the minute he gets wind of you're trying to pin him down.
But if you want a committed relationship - and maybe children down the line - what's your alternative?
Prepare with these strategies:
1 - Raise the 'big' conversation when you've enjoyed a really lovely weekend together. Never raise it after stress between you. That stressful time, coupled with you raising commitment, gives him the perfect excuse to cut and run.
2 - You've chosen your time but now don't raise it like it is a 'big' conversation. Have a confident and chilled-out vibe and try and find a natural way into it. Don't begin with, "we have to talk about our future!"
3 - Once you've found the right moment always start on a positive note. For instance, mention what a lovely weekend it's been and how much you love spending time with him. Ask if he's had a good time too.
4 - Listen to what he says and respond to him positively as far as possible. The next step's asking how he feels about spending more time together. At this stage stick to the topic of spending time together. Don't raise issues like you never meet his family and friends, etc.
5 - Ultimately if he's evasive and continues in the same way you may have to call time on your relationship. That might finally make him see the light - that you're the woman he should commit to - but don't bank on it.