Looking for answers, Help!
By: May Rostom
I was never known to be a gloomy person, or one that complains all the time about stuff like “my hair isn’t the right shade of Auburn” or “I ordered that cappuccino with skimmed milk not whipped cream”. I was more of an optimist, a cheerful girl that believed in rainbows and unicorns. People would ask me how I managed to laugh hysterically when I got a C on my Biology paper. They wanted to be around me all the time, absorb the good energy, have fun with me when we threw spitting contests at school, and just sometimes chill with me to listen to the weird selection of songs on my iPod. As I grew older, something changed. I lost that sense of childhood fun in me; I turned from being Ms. Sunshine to Ms. Where the sun don’t shine! The silliest thing pisses me off in no time now, people don’t want to have fun with me at the school’s spitting contest anymore, and instead they would rather have me as the spitting Target. Gladly, I still know how to smile at social gatherings (or at least fake a few). I know how to catch curse words right from the tip of my tongue when something really gets to me (most of the time now), and politely show little interest in stories/topics told by other people that simply don’t appeal to me (while making it obvious that I'm literally thinking of cutting my wrist with my tennis bracelet).
It’s like my tolerance for fakeness, bull, and out of the blue- politeness has gone Way Down. Like I have three days left to live and I don’t want to waste them on the wrong people. I transformed from Ms. Social Butterfly to Ms. House Fly, you know an annoying little creature that flies around all day, briefly annoying everyone around, rubbing its hands together deviously, and occasionally sleeping on people’s dining tables (haven’t gotten that far yet, but at this rate I Definitely will!). I'm not an old person so I can’t really blame age. I'm not alone either, I'm surrounded by people that somehow still care about me, and so I can’t blame loneliness.
Also Read: Recognising Depression
Also Read: PAIN
Also Read: Fear: the four-eyed monster
Also Read: Is your rage out of control?
Also Read: One month, that’s all we need
I can’t help but wonder, what makes me want to be so alone? Am I tired of being too friendly? Am I tired of being “there” for everyone, even when I don’t feel like it? Why does my dog’s personality appeal to me more than my own family members (let’s hope they don’t read this!)? When and why did I become angry at the world?
The old Me would’ve pursued answers to all these questions. The old Me would’ve looked for a positive thought to hang on to. The old Me would’ve appreciated having too many people in her life more. But all I'm stuck with is this new Me that’s too lazy and tired to even come up with a decent way to explain this to you. So, if you’re reading this and can relate or explain, I Promise I’ll hear what you have to say, because it’s all I can think of right now. Question is: when did we stop tolerating people and smile at them for no good reason? Why did we grow out of our true caring selves into this distorted image of careless adults? When will we learn from our children instead teach them? How can we start liking people again and look beyond their imperfections?
Looking for answers, Help!
Provided by - Wednesday,20 July , 2011 -11:03
By: May Rostom
I was never known to be a gloomy person, or one that complains all the time about stuff like “my hair isn’t the right shade of Auburn” or “I ordered that cappuccino with skimmed milk not whipped cream”. I was more of an optimist, a cheerful girl that believed in rainbows and unicorns. People would ask me how I managed to laugh hysterically when I got a C on my Biology paper. They wanted to be around me all the time, absorb the good energy, have fun with me when we threw spitting contests at school, and just sometimes chill with me to listen to the weird selection of songs on my iPod. As I grew older, something changed. I lost that sense of childhood fun in me; I turned from being Ms. Sunshine to Ms. Where the sun don’t shine! The silliest thing pisses me off in no time now, people don’t want to have fun with me at the school’s spitting contest anymore, and instead they would rather have me as the spitting Target. Gladly, I still know how to smile at social gatherings (or at least fake a few). I know how to catch curse words right from the tip of my tongue when something really gets to me (most of the time now), and politely show little interest in stories/topics told by other people that simply don’t appeal to me (while making it obvious that I'm literally thinking of cutting my wrist with my tennis bracelet).
It’s like my tolerance for fakeness, bull, and out of the blue- politeness has gone Way Down. Like I have three days left to live and I don’t want to waste them on the wrong people. I transformed from Ms. Social Butterfly to Ms. House Fly, you know an annoying little creature that flies around all day, briefly annoying everyone around, rubbing its hands together deviously, and occasionally sleeping on people’s dining tables (haven’t gotten that far yet, but at this rate I Definitely will!). I'm not an old person so I can’t really blame age. I'm not alone either, I'm surrounded by people that somehow still care about me, and so I can’t blame loneliness.
Also Read: Recognising Depression
Also Read: PAIN
Also Read: Fear: the four-eyed monster
Also Read: Is your rage out of control?
Also Read: One month, that’s all we need
I can’t help but wonder, what makes me want to be so alone? Am I tired of being too friendly? Am I tired of being “there” for everyone, even when I don’t feel like it? Why does my dog’s personality appeal to me more than my own family members (let’s hope they don’t read this!)? When and why did I become angry at the world?
The old Me would’ve pursued answers to all these questions. The old Me would’ve looked for a positive thought to hang on to. The old Me would’ve appreciated having too many people in her life more. But all I'm stuck with is this new Me that’s too lazy and tired to even come up with a decent way to explain this to you. So, if you’re reading this and can relate or explain, I Promise I’ll hear what you have to say, because it’s all I can think of right now. Question is: when did we stop tolerating people and smile at them for no good reason? Why did we grow out of our true caring selves into this distorted image of careless adults? When will we learn from our children instead teach them? How can we start liking people again and look beyond their imperfections?