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Why is my child shy?

Children have very different temperaments. While some are very outgoing and make friends easily, others are shy, feel uncomfortable around people and take a long time to adapt to new situations. While some children are born shy and sensitive, others acquire this trait due to experiences they have been through at home or at school. 

According to Ms. Virginia Kapuananimek, guidance counselor at Hayah International Academy, the causes of shyness vary depending upon each child's individual circumstances. A child may imitate his parents' behavior (who may themselves be shy), or the parent (or another significant family member) may constantly criticize the child, resulting in him feeling insecure and hence developing the tendency to be shy around people. Also, the role of a child's teacher should not be underestimated. It is essential for parents to know about the relationship between their child and his teacher. 

For example, does the teacher take the child's feelings into consideration and avoid public embarrassments and criticism? Peers may also affect your child's behavior. If most of the other children in a child's life are shy, quiet, and reserved, the child will most likely act the same. 

Parents often feel concerned when they have a shy child because they interpret his behavior as lacking self-esteem. However, there is a wide range of shyness that may be considered normal. For example, it is normal for your child to need time to get used to strangers. Parents should also realize that being shy is not a negative trait. Being shy may help a child spend more time observing what is around him. 

When can shyness become a problem? 

Shyness can create problems in a child's life when it interferes with his ability to make friends, makes him feel distressed around people, or may be the cause of him not doing well at school. 

Parents may notice that their child is having trouble talking, is stammering, stuttering, blushing, shaking or sweating when he is around people. According to Kapuananimek, "Shyness is a serious problem if it is due to a child feeling inadequate in all situations. It is normal for a child to feel challenged by some social situations, but if the shyness extends to home, school, and all social relationships, it is a problem that may worsen." 

In some cases, a child's shyness may take an extreme turn where he won't speak to anyone outside his family at all, interfering with both school performance and social interaction. This condition is called 'selective mutism.' According to Kapuananimek, selective mutism is an anxiety disorder primarily affecting children. Nowadays, it is considered as both a genetically inherited disorder and an acquired condition. 

It is important for parents to recognize the difference between a child who is slightly shy and a child whose behavior may indicate a deeper problem such as selective mutism. Sometimes children who have selective mutism are mistakenly categorized as 'excessively shy,' and their parents assume that it is a temporary condition. 

A child with selective mutism is characterized by being unable to speak in social situations. In fact, this inability is generally most disabling at school, as the child can't be assertive and speak when called upon by his teachers. The selectively mute child may be outspoken, even aggressive with his family at home, but unable to speak above a whisper, or even speak at all, with peers and outsiders. 

Six tips to help your child overcome his shyness

1) Help your child practice interacting with others by exposing him to unfamiliar settings and people, allowing him enough time to feel comfortable in these new situations. The more practice shy children get interacting with unfamiliar people, the faster the shyness will decrease. 

2) Set a model of outgoing behavior as children learn by observing their parents' behavior. 

3) Tell your child about the times when you were shy yourself. Talk about how you became more outgoing and the benefits you gained such as making new friends, and enjoying school time and social activities. 

4) Don't label your child as 'shy,' as this may make him feel ashamed of himself. Also, don't criticize him. You should respect his shyness and talk to him about his feelings. 

5) Build his self-confidence. "Parents should sincerely praise their children, and look for opportunities to acknowledge their achievements. Small achievements are noteworthy too, not just the end of year report card grades," explains Kapuananimek. 

6) Practice role-playing at home with your children. According to Kapuananimek, practicing the right responses to a given situation can increase your child's self confidence. For example, if he is too shy to meet the new kid next door, you can help him to role-play possible conversations that might occur during the encounter.